Twilight Sparkle's Unwanted Love Life
by TheSarcasticJudge
Summary: Of course, you know the story of The Unexpected Love Life of Dusk Shine; but this spin-off rewrite follows Twilight: an aromantic, smart-alec, antisocial, bookworm, as she tries to hurdle through the challenges that comes with living in R63 Ponyville.


**_Twilight Sparkle's Unwanted Love Life_**

 ** _By TheSarcasticJudge_**

* * *

"There, done. Much better, and without the hassle of reading the word 'you' or 'me' in almost every line break of a sentence," Twilight Sparkle murmured to herself as she stretched her wings, eager to step away from the typewriter. Editing scientific journals was tough work, especially from egotistical idiots who believe they have all the answers because they have a brief understanding of magic. "I can't believe I let him convince me to edit and publish this rubbish."

"Blimey, you're done already? It's only been an hour!" A voice calls from downstairs, "It took me weeks to even get past the first few thousand pages of the summery!"

"Magic cannot cure illnesses, Barbra," Twilight Sparkle snorted, "The article is about comparing the effects of Vitamins with magic, which is absolutely ludicrous."

"Why not?" Inquired Barbra, "What would happen?"

Twilight hummed. "Nnhhh... okay, you know how evolution works, right?"

"Of course, you wouldn't let me sleep until I could tell you how selective breeding worked blindfolded while spinning around three times," retorted Barbra.

"If a 'thing' is used to kill a pathogen, then those with the DNA most resistant to the administered 'thing' becomes more pathogens with DNA most resistant to the 'thing'," lectured Twilight, "Then the 'thing' becomes obsolete."

"Like magic?"

"Especially like magic," Twilight reinstated. "Believe it or not, some things are resistant to magic. Magic is a science and it should be treated as such, not this limitless miracle maker like this quack who wrote this – quote on quote – medical journal made it out to be."

"Interesting," concluded Barbra.

"..."

"...?"

"...Barbra I need a favor," Twilight began, "Where did you put Predictions and _Prophecies_?"

"Oh no, we're not going to start this again!" Barbra's voice changed from curious to annoyed quickly. "You owe it to me for the very least!"

"But Barbra! It's a matter of emergency!" cried Twilight. "All I need is the book!"

"You said that last week about the bloody humans and this stupid book!" argued Barbra, "After you went parading into town ranting about them!"

"Do you realize that the fate of the world hangs in the balance?!"

"I can believe you're editing and publishing that rubbish of a medical journal," replied Barbra as she climbed up the ladder onto the second story of the huge library. Barbra was a short, purple baby dragon with green fins protruding out of her cheeks. Green spikes, mistakenly called fins, also exist on the top of her head all the way down to the base. "Because your stupid letter on humans nearly caught Solaris in a bad mood, he's docking our stipends!"

"The existence of intellectual, bipedal organisms is not stupid, Barbra," argued Twilight, "They, perhaps, provide grave danger to Equestria!"

"You sound just like that mint bloke, what was his name? Lyra or something?" Retorted Barbra, "I'm not getting you that blasted book just so you can write a letter wasting the prince's time, YET AGAIN, and this time on the story of Night-Terror Knight!"

"They, perhaps, provide grave danger to Equestria!" repeated Twilight Sparkle, disregarding Barbra entirely. "And its Mandolin, not Lyra!"

"I'm not getting you the book and that's all there is on the matter," Barbra rolled her eyes and beckoned Twilight to follow her. "I brewed up some tea, would you care for a cuppa?"

"Nnnhh," Twilight Sparkle stretched out her hind legs and stood up from her swivel chair and stepped away from her quaint, but anything but large study. Papers, both balled up on the desk and discarded in trash bins, cluttered her work space. Twilight Sparkle, with a quick teleportation spell, poofed out of existence and back again, this time on the lower floor. "Yes actually, I would. I'm exhausted."

"Maybe staying up for a couple of nights looking into some mediocre foal's bedtime story wasn't the best idea, love," Barbra chastised, pouring two cups of steaming hot tea. "Actually, while on your health, when's the last time you ate a proper meal? Or took a shower?"

"Okay the shower bit was yesterday," Twilight Sparkle wasn't lying, although she looked down in embarrassment as she halfheartedly told the answer next. "I think I had food yesterday."

"Biscuits and cakes don't count as food, Twilight," Barbra groaned, going into the pantry to pull out bread and a few canned turnips. "By Solaris' beard, Twilight, you're twenty-one years old and you can't even take care of yourself."

"Gee, you sound just like Mum; I'm sorry, okay?" Apologized Twilight Sparkle as she crossed her front legs in front of her chest. "I'm forgetful sometimes when it comes to these studies and experiments, Barbra, you know this."

"Screwing around," corrected Barbra.

"I – sorry, what?"

"You meant screwing around, right?" Barbra finished making some sandwiches to the hidden delight of Twilight. Twilight's belly was already roaring with impatience. "The only difference between experiments and tossing about is writing it down."

"Moving on," Twilight waved her hoof in a dismissive manner, "Did you manage to get the mail, and perhaps the newspaper?"

"On the table," answered Barbra as she came into the living room with a platter of tea cups and a kettle. In the other hand was a platter of canned turnip sandwiches. The living room was smack-dabbed in the middle of the library. The kitchen was in a little room off the right of the main entrance. "Although, I think you might want to skip today's story."

"I see no rational reason to not be caught up with current events like the dutiful citizen I am," Twilight declared as she took a seat on her sofa, Barbra sat the platter down and herself down on a seat next to Twilight. Twilight Sparkle picked up the newspaper, The Equestrian Inquirer, and hovered the cup holding the piping hot tea to her lips. "Hmm... the biography of Twilight Sparkle, protege of Solaris and _the bastard daughter of our beloved prince?!_ "

"I tried to warn you," Barbra quietly and nonchalantly sipped her tea while Twilight continued to read the newspaper.

" _THE MUFFIN COLT_ , Who the bloody hell wrote this! This is slander! I should sue! This newspaper is made by hacks!" Twilight looked up from the newspaper, which claimed to have been the completely 'accurate' biography of Twilight Sparkle. "I would never go outside or—"

Barbra stopped Twilight right there.

"That right there is the exact reason why no one really knows about you, Twilight," calmly explained Barbra. "No one can write a biography about you if you refuse to step outside for more than three minutes without complaining you might get a hernia."

"Hey! Have you ever had a hernia, Barb?" Twilight rhetorically asked, still looking at her lower body where a small scar resides, "They hurt, Barbra, like a lot."

"Yeah, I noticed form all the whining you do," Barbra rolled her eyes as sipped more of her tea. "Literally a year since the surgery."

"Hey Barbra, I'm not the only one feeling a strange case of déjà vécu, am I?" Twilight Sparkle inquired under her breath.

"Don't you mean déjà vu?"

"No, I mean, this feels like I've lived through this situation before," Twilight explained. "Déjà vécu."

"Huh, interesting," Barbra mumbled before raising her voice slightly. "Twilight, eat."

"I'm not really hungry," protested the liar, Twilight Sparkle.

"Are you seriously doing this now?" Barbra's eye twitch was most adorable thing that hid the fury of a dragon Twilight has ever seen. "This is childish, Twilight, just eat! Please!"

Twilight didn't answer, turning her nose upwards in the best representation of what a spoiled brat refusing to eat would look like, she didn't have any trouble imitating what that would be. Although Twilight hated playing Barbra's concern for her wellbeing against the assistant, it was the best method of convincing her to do whatever she wants without further protest.

"If I get you that darn book," Barbra placed down her tea cup with a pissed expression on her face. "You're going to mow down these sandwiches or so help me Solaris I will tell PMZ about your sock collection!"

Twilight Sparkle gasped, "You wouldn't!"

Barbra was already up and about, getting the ladder to reach a secret compartment. Upon this threat, and Twilight Sparkle is not a betting mare so she folded her metaphorical cards immediately, she began to wolf down the canned turnip and cream cheese sandwiches.

They were not too bad, actually.

"Here, you unimaginatively stubborn..." Barbra mumbled as she picks up a quill and parchment. "We've done this song and dance before, you never ask me to get the book unless you want to write something to Solaris."

"Right... hey, I'm sorry about the... you know," Twilight waved a hoof in a circular motion, "Manipulation."

"Water under the bridge," sighed Barbra, "Hurry up, tea's getting cold."

"Hold on, I got to say it formally...Barbra, take a letter."

* * *

 _Dear Prince Solaris,_

 _Regarding my last report of Night-Terror Knight, and how his inevitable return would be in my lifetime, I have conducted a full analyses of the myth and concluded it to be completely true and placed into history. You should have gotten it along with the (very true) written analysis of bipedal creatures of mythology named Humans._

 _While you pass it off as fodder, the evidence that Equestira's history provides otherwise – as there is a black spot in history that was claimed to be destroyed in an uprising against Harmony._

 _However, in the state of emergency, I feel the need for preparations of the defense against Night-Terror Knight to be implicated in a timely manner for the fate of Equestria hangs in the balance._

 _Your Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle_

* * *

"Excellent," Twilight grinned in relief, she sighed in joy knowing that she has given her teacher, and more importantly, the citizens of Equestria a huge service. "Now I'll just wait for the response and get ready to get into the fallout shelter…"

"Hold on a second," Barbra expelled fire and out popped a scroll.

"Already a reply!" Twilight mused, "And a lengthy one at best! Whoa! This time he must be taking me seriously!"

"Hold on,"

"What does it say? Deploy the Royal Marines? Evacuate Canterlot? Call all able citizens to take up arms in the last stand against absolute tyranny?"

"It says to go get laid or something," answered Barbra with a completely straight face.

"...pardon?"

* * *

 _Dear Twilight Sparkle,_

 _You really need to go get laid or something,_

 _I honestly pray that you have not been eating those medicinal plants again, because this is the kind of letter I would have received from a drug addict having a horrible trip. And I know a bad trip when I see one. Such as the letter you sent me explaining the effects of 'Volt' in very detail and vivid description._

 _I want you to get life, my student! You are a twenty-one-year-old grown mare nosing around a bedtime story, you're too old to be doing this nonsense and calling the boogie-colt real with this so-called 'evidence' is nothing more than a historical mishap._

 _Although I am the most reliable source of history, including prehistoric subjects, I am not perfect._

 _This evidence you provided in your last report, along with the report of humans, is wrong Twilight. I don't' know why you always have to be correct, especially in these reports to me. It's okay to be wrong once in a while, I completely understand! What I don't understand is why everything has to be so complicated and analytical with you, the story is just what it is: fantasy._

 _Go outside, for once, and make friends with anything – I don't care if it's even breathing or moves – at least make an effort to get attached to an earthworm._

 _Get a pet._

 _Or a hobby, either or works._

 _Or better yet, you're twenty-one now—Twilight—as I said; go get laid or something. Stop looking into bedtime stories to scare foals into not leaving their beds and go be an irresponsible adult! Do some drugs, drink some alcohol, have fun!_

 _(Never in my life had I ever had a student who refused to rebel me in their teenage years, and I still can't believe I have to tell you to disobey my Health Class so you don't end up alone)_

 _There's more to life than studying and looking at literal soft-core porn in a body-builder magazine! (Yes, I have read your mail and internet history. That is all there is to say on the matter.)_

 _Once you're sober, and I hope you're not sober as your reading this, pack your luggage. I have a new assignment that requires you to move out of your home and go to a town called Ponyville. (It's literally two miles south of here, you can't miss it if you take a train.)_

 _Watch over the Summer Sun Celebration and get acquainted with your new home, your lab has also been relocated to your new home. You will report on what you find in the environment instead of medical journals that quacks have written._

 _That, and I accidentally sold your house in a game of Texas Hold-Em, and might not get it back. I think I have a problem._

 _So all in all: Get a life._

 _—Your very concerned teacher,_

 _Solaris._

 _P.S: I'm not joking, I would rather you be a mare who is addicted to partying and destroying your organs than a mare who ends up a serial killer in her thirties._

 _P.S.S: Okay, don't destroy your organs, keep the partying to a minimum. Just stop being a cave dweller._

 _P.S.S.S: I actually sold your house, on the back of the scroll is an eviction notice taped on. The address is also on the back._

 _P.S.S.S.S: Make sure you tell the males you do end up wooing (doubtful but I'm hopeful) to wrap it before they tap it._

 _P.S.S.S.S.S: There's an ulterior motive of me booting you out of Great Canterlot, you bloody nerd, stop reading and go make some friends._

* * *

Heart breaking is probably the term Twilight Sparkle would probably tell the future generations how the ride to Ponyville went, crestfallen is the best answer she had to herself regarding the aftermath of the lengthy letter that was nothing but dismissive and critique to Twilight Sparkle as a pony by none other than Prince Solaris himself.

Twilight Sparkle was no stranger to having her works or theories challenged, as a pony that specialized in Practical Magical Sciences and Theoretical Magical Studies, there's a lot of margin for error and her critics and rivals made that very clear.

To succeed? That's all Twilight Sparkle ever strive for, was success and validation of her ingenuity. She gets plenty of validation from Prince Solaris, of course, but to be viewed as 'Smart' and 'Brilliant' is perhaps her ultimate goal in life.

To be dismissed as some crackpot with too much imagination is perhaps worst thing to ever be said to the poor mare, now Twilight had her run in with this dismissive feeling during her final exam at the University for Gifted Unicorns but this is different! Prince Solaris has always had Twilight's back, took her every thought and hypothesis with careful yet deep consideration. Solaris who helped Twilight with inhibiting her uncontrolled usage of magic, Solaris who—

"Twilight, look alive!" Barb nudged Twilight Sparkle out of her little mopey thought trance, Twilight Sparkle shook her head was snapped in reality. "We're here, in Ponyville! Let's go mosey about!"

"No," Twilight Sparkle shot down firmly as she looked about with disdain and cynicism. Ponyville was rural, the markets were made of wood and hay while the buildings were made with bricks and mortar. The roads were made of dirt and gravel whilst the sidewalks were nonexistent. Twilight Sparkle guessed they didn't exactly use taxis services, with the town being small and all.

"Besides," continued Twilight as she still eyes the surroundings before looking upwards to the skies above. The clouds were scattered and a cool breeze of the afternoon clashed with the beaming sun. "This is our new home, as weird as it may be, we don't have the luxury of being odd ones out."

"You're an alicorn, love, I don't know too many pony-sized... well, ponies, who has horns and wings and AREN'T royalty," groaned Barbra as she climbs onto Twilight's back, ("Ouch, watch the wings!") much to the disdain of the purple alicorn. Twilight Sparkle thought about what she said before Barbra spoke up again. "Trying to fit in is out of the question, no joke intended."

"Have I ever told you how snarky you sound when you prove me wrong?"

"Look at the pot calling the kettle black," Barbra rolls her eyes before lying on her back which rests on Twilight's back, "Anyways, what's the first thing on the list?"

"Oh, erm," Twilight unfurled the checklist she wrote on the trip from Canterlot, using magic of course. "Food— oof!"

She hadn't even realized she was walking and she bumped into a pink stallion, with even pinker mane, as a result. The stallion's facing the other direction and he seems to tense up when Twilight speaks.

"Sorry!" Twilight smiled sheepishly, embarrassment etched across her cheeks. "I wasn't paying any bother to the road…" Here's a good chance to knock off the make some friends part of the letter. "My name's Twilight Sparkle, I'm from Great Canterlot, could you point me in the direction of… erm…"

Back to the checklist, which the name Sweet Apple Acres is neatly (chicken scratch) written on. Twilight looks back up to the pink stallion.

"Ah yes, could you point me in the direction of Sweet— mother of Solaris' beard, you're shaking, why are you shaking?" The Pink Stallion is shaking. What the devil? "Was it something I said?"

"You alright there, mate?" Barbra looks over Twilight's mane and unicorn.

The stallion turns around, with the straightest face – no – the most serial killer-like face only a mother could 'love'—quote on quote. The pink pony jumped AND HOVERED at least three meters for at least a whole three minutes in the air as his eyes became as wide as wheels on a chariot.

The absolute madman then lets out a sharp gasp that shakes Twilight's ears, a gasp that lasted for a good thirty seconds; a breath that could put the best diver in Equestria to shame before hightailing it to kingdom come and back and then to Solaris-Knows-Where-leaving a trail of dust and two very confused and concerned females. (To Twilight Sparkle, this was exactly the criteria she needed and more to reporting this pony to the loony-bin. To us, as my man, meme-asaurus said: it was a warm security blanket called "continuity.") Twilight Sparkle stares after the stallion as he takes a left and disappears, her eyebrow twitching from the sudden incident.

After the initial shock faded, she went ahead and asked a different pony for directions. This time without the super-equine feats.

* * *

"I was almost arrested, and then got let off," Twilight deadpans, continuing her story about the case of the Stolen Forbidden Scroll as she trots down the dirt path road to Sweet Apple Acres. "Obviously, I didn't do it; but no one wants to be the one who arrested Solaris's protégé, no one."

"Not even your sister?"

"Yeah, we're not even going to touch that thing with a three thousand light year pole, chum," Twilight shrugs, continuing to walk the path.

"Say, why doesn't Gleaming Shield visit you anymore?" Barbra inquired, but gives an exasperated look at Twilight when Twilight peered back at Barbra with a look of indignation. "You don't exactly share everything with me, you know!"

"Yes, Spines, I do," Twilight shakes her head, "Except for this one, I'll tell you another time."

An awkward silence falls over them. Twilight was hoping it was just a natural silence and not that slip of a tongue she caught.

"Did you call me Spines?" Barbs snorted, suppressing a giggle. Dammit, she caught it. "That's the third time this month! Pay up!"

Groaning, Twilight levitates twenty bits into the claws of Barbra.

Finally, they reach what Twilight could conclude was the poorest farm she had ever seen. Twilight has not seen many barns in her day, being a city-filly and all.

There was a barn, a couple of farming tools, and a what seemed to be hundreds of acres of apple trees. A sign hanged above Twilight on rusty hinges that looks as if it might fall at any amount of pressure, 'Sweet Apple Acres'.

"Look at that absolute madman, bucking away at the trees instead of just picking them naturally, he's going to break his legs!" Barbs commented as Twilight inches close the farm pony. "Oh snap, I take that back, he's gonna break the trees before he breaks a bone."

The farm stallion was even taller than the pink Tasmanian Devil, and with twice as much muscle. Just being next to him already made Twilight Sparkle's hind legs quiver with an anxious feeling.

The farm stallion turned his head behind him and lifted his Stetson hat, underneath was a sweaty face with freckles. He had beautiful eyes the color of the ripest green apples money can buy. Barbra mused at the idea this stallion might be a stud (equine for 'male stripper').

The stallion caught Twilight's gaze and peers at Twilight, who was frozen mid-step like a deer in some headlights. The stallion has a still look on his face, seemingly thinking. The stallion approaches and Twilight second guesses every life choice she had made up to this point, especially her decision to start from the top of the list.

 _Well, this is how I die_ , Twilight pessimistically thought as she prepares for the absolute brutal way to die.

"Well I'll be a son of a pug!" The stallion greeted with vigor-like friendliness. "Ah have gotten a letter from th' Prince a day early! Ah was expectin' some pony! Ah received word that some city-folks were coming over, so I tidied up the farm – real nice!"

"…is that right?" Twilight replied with a small voice, still threatened by entire three-inch advantage that this orange stallion had over her. Twilight quickly placed space between them and cleared her throat, hoping to try and ""

"Hold on a second!" Twilight's heart froze when the stallion's voice raised up, realizing she wasn't going anywhere. "Ah ain't as stupid as Ah thought! You must be them!" Applejack pointed at the wings on Twilight's back. It wasn't entirely hard to miss, an alicorn who was non-royal hasn't existed for quite some time. "You must be that mare."

"Actually, I am. This is Barbra and…" Twilight nodded over her shoulder, to Barb for help – but Barb was off and about, helping a yellow foal push a bucket of apples. "..and she's helping that colt over there."

"Hold on there, cowgirl, Apple Buck gots to do his own work!" The stallion smiles brightly after Barbra's helpfulness, he then turned back to Twilight. Barbra returning back to Twilight's back helped her confidence a small bit but not anywhere of mentioning. "What can Ah do ya fer, Sugarcube?" As he finished that sentence, he crossed his front hooves and gave a small wink. As a result of this action, Twilight Sparkle fumbled the football she called a brain and punt kicked it for an idea of what her response should be.

 _Is this… is this Yankee flirting with me?_ She wondered. As soon as this thought came into her football she called a brain, she sacked the Idea Quarterback. _I don't think so; it must be that southern hospitality I heard of so much. I guess it's only right for me to return the gesture. Weird._

Twilight Sparkle offers her hoof, which the stallion is completely taken aback by the nature of how she offered her right hoof – not exactly in a traditional hoof-shake for any warm blooded Ponyville Americolt (anywhere other than Great Canterlot) – as Twilight expected a kiss on the hoof and a gentle-colt's greeting, formally.

(Be note that this is the formal way Great Canterlot noble-colt and noble-mares greet each other if they are meeting somebody of nobility of some sort, otherwise two citizens will completely and utterly go out of their ways to stay out of each other's way.)

 _Whoa nelly, Ah've only met this mare and she's offerin' her hoof in marriage?_ The stallion thought frantically, instinctually running his hoof through his pony-tail mane. _Naw, can't be. Must be how they great each other upstate! Weird._

"My name is – waugh!" The stallion takes her right hoof and shakes it vigorously, completely throwing the entire façade Twilight tried to pull out of the ballpark. Twilight couldn't do much except allow her right leg to wiggle like a wet noodle.

"Ah forgot my manners! Ah can hear Grand-pappy screaming in my ears now!" He's. Still. Not. Stopping. The. Hoof. Shake. "The name's Applejack, proud member of th' Apple Family!"

Applejack released Twilight's hoof and like a rope that's been rocked up and down – all of the energy in the leg went up into Twilight's body and she wiggled. Twilight Sparkle's leg drooped and it was flat and flaccid as a wet noodle. "Well, Ah can't keep callin' y'all 'Missus' forever! Y'all got a name?"

"Twilight Sparkle—Crickey, I think you turned my hoof to jelly!" Twilight flexed her foreleg and then stomped it on the ground to disperse the pins and needles.

"If Ah wanted to, Ah'd turn it to jam!" Applejack joked, which Twilight gave a look that screamed of sincere concern until Applejack gave a hoot of a laugh. "Haha, Ah'm just pullin' yer leg, Twilight!"

"Smashing," Twilight Sparkle remarked dryly. Twilight Sparkle murmured her grievances about this stupid town and corrected her lady-like posture. "I have come here to oversee the banquet the Apples have prepared. Hopefully, foreleg jam isn't on the menu."

"Haha, why not come check it out fer yerself?" Applejack trotted over to a tree and wrung a steel rusty bell. "SOUP'S UP!" he yelled while yelled in shift-key (because he's no filly who uses caps-lock). "Y'all two lucky ta come here first, Sparkler, because today's th' Apple Family Reunion!" Applejack chuckled as he laughed at his own joke meanwhile a large group of ponies begun to pour out of the house next to the barn.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Twilight Sparkle shook her head, maybe she didn't make herself clear enough. "Barbra and I are here to see what's being served at the Summer Sun Celebration, you don't have to introduce me to your whole family."

"That's the best thing about mah family!" Applejack mused, "Ah can do both at the same time!"

Oh boy, Twilight thought.

"We got Apple Cobbler, Apple Strudel, Carmel Apples, Jack Daniels, Hard Apple Cider an' his brother - Soft Apple Cider, Apple Strudel, Apple Poptart, Apple Salad, Cousin Jazz Apples, Apple Wine, Ant' & Uncle Orange, Blood Orange, Orange Crush, Tangerine—she's just adorable ain't she?" Applejack smiles at the small little filly in Orange Crush's orange hooves.

Whoa boy that's a lot of names Twilight Sparkle's OCD brain's going to make her remember. Twilight Sparkle offered a passive smile as she fumbled for a response, but Applejack continued with introductions to characters that mean little to no relevancy.

"On my side of the family: little Apple Buck, Red Gala, and finally, Gran-Pappy Smith." Applejack finally names some ponies that will be relevant later. He then nodded over to a green, sleeping elder who's unconsciously rocking on a really old chair. "Come on Gran-pappy Smith! Look alive! We've got company!"

Gran-Pappy Smith snorted awake, a teddy bear in his hooves and a red cap on his head. He noticed Twilight Sparkle and gave a sweet smile as his dentures flew out of his mouth. "Ah got it! Ah got it!" Apple Buck, the cream colt that was pushing the barrel of apples, caught it with a glass of water.

"Everypony, this is Missus Twilight Sparkle and Barbra, and they's gonna be joinin' us for brunch!" Applejack spoke for a discombobulated Twilight Sparkle, until Twilight shook her head no. The entire Apple Family and their extended family turned to Twilight and Barbra with expectant toothy grins.

Twilight Sparkle turned to the right.

Twilight was unsure how to feel about all of the attention directed at her, especially by [url= ]Applejack's very hot cousin - Jazz Apple.[/url]

Twilight Sparkle didn't know why Jazz Apple was wearing those stockings or why Twilight Sparkle found her visually appealing.

"Oh… Applejack," Twilight Sparkle sighed as she tried to think what she was going to say next. Twilight Sparkle chewed her tongue as all the lights in her brain shut off as if she didn't pay the electricity bill (which was impossible, because Twilight Sparkle paid for a free sample at the supermarket in Great Canterlot last week). "We can't, Barbra and I are on a rather tight schedule and we're running especially late."

A collection of downbeat sighs, "Aww", and gasps was expected and delivered. Twilight Sparkle didn't know whether to feel sorry or should she just hurriedly cut her losses and hightail it out of the farm until Apple Buck tugged on her tail.

"Aintcha gonna stay fer brunch?" asked Apple Blum as his bottom lip quivered with those… eyes of his…

In front of Twilight's face was two smaller versions of herself arguing with each other, one of them was Twilight Sparkle dressed in a red suit and black tie, holding a pimp cane. The other was Twilight Sparkle dressed in a beautiful white dress, a halo hovered above the head of the illusionary figment of her imagination.

The easiest way to describe them is The Devil and The Angel in Twilight's conscious.

"No," Demanded the devil.

"Yes," argued the angel.

The devil took out a calculator from her suit pocket and plugged in some numbers into the device. "You mustn't, we'll be late!"

"You cannot disappoint this cinnamon bun!" The angel couched.

"He's more of an apple cobbler, but that's not the point!" The devil groaned.

Barbra made the decision for Twilight Sparkle and her two associates.

"Maybe we'll have a bagel," Barbra smiled, Twilight Sparkle looked blankly ("NO!" Cried the demon). "Two bagels, actually."

* * *

"Reminds me of your Gran-Momma," Gran-Pappy Smith grinned at Applejack as he watched the two Canterlot guests make their way out of the farm. Especially after Twilight Sparkle. "Mighty cute, big appetite, sum' brains, and one feisty mare under that shell of hers."

"She ain't my mare-friend!" Applejack countered, a blush shooting on his face out of embarrassment. "She's a guest! Ah would have treated any-pony the same way!"

"Last time Ah checked, you don't peek at our guest's flanks," Gran-Pappy Smith chuckled. Applejack's ears roared, he blushed in indignation. "There ain't no pony more perfect for that mare than an Apple, whatchu waitin' fer? Go git 'er!"

"Gran-Pappy!"

[hr]

"Eugh," Barbra groaned, she was bloated from the food. "I don't even want to hear the 'A' word anymore…"

"Apple?" Twilight Sparkle's hooves dragged as she trudged through the streets of Ponyville. Her stomach was so full, she thought it would explode twice. Barbra groaned louder as she heard that 'A' word again. "What's next on the letter, Barbra?"

Barbra unfolded the checklist. "Weather Patrol, the bloke in charge of it is Rainbow Blitz."

"Well this 'Rainbow Blitz' is obviously excellent at his job," Twilight remarked, scoffing at the cumulous clouds scattered around the sky. "If it was a cloud watching event."

"Well—"

Barbs stops midsentence.

"Uh…Barbs… do you feel that…?" Twilight's ear flickers to the right, a booming scream coming out from the heavens and it shook the ground and her as a result.

"…I feel that…" Barbra turned to the left as well. "It's probably Solaris realizing he lost another round of Poker."

* * *

Meanwhile, in Great Canterlot, in the Throne Room.

Solaris sat on his throne, evilly masterminding everything that has taken place so far. He strokes his glorious, pastel colored beard as he procrastinated with a magical eight ball. He was very salty about losing a round of poker, he lost about one hundred thousand bits to Blueblood - that absolute wanker.

"What in the name of my beard was that?" Solaris blinked as he dropped his magical eight ball, a scream worthy of gods' gods pierced the soundproof barriers of his throne room and shook the Great Canterlot castle like an earthquake splitting the earth in three.

* * *

The void was filled with magic, dark blue smoke-like magic. The magic that made the Shadow Bolt Commander, followed closely by three officer subordinates, choke slightly.

Vast emptiness of space was the punishment for the Dark Lord himself, to watch over the great stars of the freezing wasteland that was The Moon. Forced to watch the planet he loved, he cherished, he mourned for, continue without him. The Dark Lord never left his ivory throne, his armor made of ivory and magically reinforced alloy of ebony and steel.

His efforts to save the planet was ridiculed and his legacy reduced to a mere folktale told centuries after his banishment. Some even question the existence of the Dark Lord, most heretics deny his existence at all.

The Dark Lord's chest pings in remorse for those ignorant fools, for his vengeance will be swift and furious and without prejudice. Although he holds love for them, he harbors bitter and wrathful incense for the false prophet, Solaris, and his mindless sheep that believes they have democracy – the 'Parliament'.

In his hoof was a crystal ball, spying on the false prophet's messiah. The sheep that worships him like a father, like a god, a mentor. This alicorn was born from two parents of unicorns.

The mother, Night Tide, decorated and retired General of the treacherous… now Royal Guard.

The father, Dusk Satin, the formal head of the Royal Librarian.

Intimacy between these polar opposites, one interested in the arts of warfare and the other in the literal arts, wasn't unheard of but they produced very interesting offspring. Daughters. Personal Protégé of Solaris – Twilight Sparkle – and Captain of the Royal Guards – Gleaming Shield. Both pose a threat to the Dark Lord but Sparkle pose a threat much like Solaris.

Even from The Moon, the Dark Lord could predict the enormous magic this mare would possess. Although her magic level today is nothing to sneeze at—even her magic is comparable to very high powered unicorns, she is an alicorn—She could pose a challenge to the Dark Lord and he would take no chances when it comes to his vengeance.

Perhaps a ransom will deter her from chasing him.

"Milord," The Shadow Bolt Officers, including the Commander, bowed before the Dark Lord. Lowering his head, the Dark Lord returns the Commander at ease to explain his unexpected intrusion. "The prototypes are still not ready; they will fail if you deploy them tonight, sire!"

The Dark Lord did not respond.

Magical smoke that filled the area began to swirl slightly in agitation. Tendrils of the smoke slithered across the surface of the moon.

"I implore you to hold off the deployment, the mission will be a critical failure!" The Commander begged. The tendrils slither up their hind legs and on their backs, unbeknownst to the Shadow Bolt officers.

"WE FIND THOU LACKS OF FAITH—"

Snap.

Crackle.

Pop.

Three officers go limp, their necks awfully contorted

"DISTURBING."

A scream echoed throughout the moon.

"WHAT IN THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS DARK AND EDGY IS THAT NOISE?!"

* * *

There was a rainbow colored blur, and then nothing but stars as Twilight Sparkle and her unknown assailant smashed into the ground and tumbled slightly. Kinetic energy finally ceased when the two rolling ponies crashed into a bush.

Groggily, Twilight Sparkle regained her bearings as she sat up. The bush's innards spun round and round and round in her vision until she shook her head free from the branches and stars. Underneath her was something warm and something in pain, so Twilight looked down to see her assailant under her.

"Oh my lord! Are you okay?! You flew so bloody fast and landing so hard—you could have broken bones and eternal bleeding!" Twilight Sparkle conjured up a pocket flashlight to shine in the stallion's eyes. He checked out as far as concussions go, but she was still concerned about his landing. Twilight Sparkle was fine—she's protected by plot armor. "You're going to be okay, you hear me? I'll—"

"Lady, I appreciate the… concern… but," The stallion groaned. "Get. Off."

Twilight looks down to see that she was straddling the blue stallion, her face changing from a concerned alicorn who got hit in the side of the head by a falling stallion from the clouds—to an alicorn straddling the very falling stallion that hit her on the side of the head.

That long sentence meant a blush furiously permeates throughout her cheeks.

"Waugh!" Twilight Sparkle teleported off of the blue stallion next to Barbra, who was also okay. Barbra was sitting on the ground, waiting for the two ponies to come out the bushes. As dirty as it sounded, and looked, it was the literal reason Barbra was waiting.

Out the bushes, there was the stallion.

"For the sake of my rep' and your dignity, this never happened," The stallion stated.

"What never happened?" asked Twilight Sparkle, feigning ignorance.

"Exactly, cute accent by the way," The stallion brushed off gravel and dirt (and shame) off of his blue fur and took off the (now) cracked googles on his head and tossed them to the side. Twilight Sparkle fumbled at the compliment. "Hey, sorry about all that crashin' and stuff. It doesn't usually happen."

Twilight Sparkle guessed this stallion was Rainbow Blitz, because of his jagged rainbow mane and tail to match. Lightning looking eyebrows. These were all tell-tale signs, but Twilight didn't want to be the mare who used physical appearences to define ponies.

"You're fine, mate," Twilight Sparkle dismissed by waving a hoof in a circular motion. "This sort-a thing happens in Canterlot's Theater."

"Canterlot?" said the pegasus, his eyes lighting up spectacularly. "That's where the Wonderbolts perform! Have you seen them? Have you met Burnout? What's he like? You got to tell me!"

"Erm," Twilight Sparkle was overloaded with all of these questions. "Maybe I'll get chummy with you later, I'm Twilight and this is Barbra. Do you know where we can find a character named 'Rainbow Blitz'?"

"Yes because you're looking at yours truly!" Of course, being politically correct doesn't work.

"Aye," Rainbow Blitz puffed his chest out as he spoke. "That happens to be me, the fastest thing alive, total lady-killer, and future Wonderbolt—what? You didn't see my totally kick-ass mane?!"

What a total wanker.

"And slacker," dryly scoffed Twilight Sparkle.

"Excuse me, I thought I heard you say something slick?!" Rainbow Blitz looked insulted, his jagged eyebrows curling in either hurt pride or anger at the remark. Twilight couldn't decide which it was. "Slacker?! I'll have you know I work harder than any of these wet-bag softies!"

"Really now?" Twilight Sparkle looked upwards," The sky needs some clearing up and here you are tossing about like a monkey fighting underwater."

"I could clean this sky in ten seconds," boasted Rainbow, "Flat. Easily."

Twilight Sparkle looked Blitz straight in the eyes. She smirked and leaned into Rainbow Blitz's face. "Prove it," she smirked.

Just like that, he was off like a light. Rainbow Blitz zipped and zoomed across the sky, bashing and bucking individual clouds. Twilight Sparkle was waiting patiently, a stopwatch in her magical hold. Barba was busy being mesmerized by Rainbow Blitz's amazing athletic performance.

As soon as Rainbow Blitz's hooves touched the dirt, Twilight stopped the stopwatch. Twilight Sparkle raised an eyebrow at the results. Rainbow Blitz took this as being amazed by his performance and flexed his muscles subconsciously.

"Done," Rainbow Blitz wasn't even out of breath, "What I tell you, ten seconds. Flat."

"That was… AWESOME!" Barbra leaped as she clapped her hands together. "I didn't even know that was possible! You were like 'whoosh' and 'zip' and EEE!"

"And you, Slick?" Rainbow Blitz turned to Twilight Sparkle, whom was solemnly quiet. "What'you got to say for yourself? Go on, I'm waiting for your apology."

"You're fast, I'll give you that," Twilight chuckled, "Ten seconds—"

"SEE?! WHAT DID I TELL YOU?!"

"Point one twenty-eight," Twilight Sparkle grinned. Rainbow Blitz froze like a statue with his mouth agape. She tossed the shocked stallion the stopwatch. "See you later, slowpoke. Let's go, Barba."

As the two females left the defeated Blitz, Rainbow Blitz watched Twilight Sparkle leave as they eventually disappeared from sight. Rainbow Blitz looked at the stop watch to be surprised at the fact it was actually ten seconds flat, no zeroes after the decimal point.

"Oh, you-son-of-a sick joke," Rainbow Blitz smiled as he realized she just pranked him. Pranked him hard, too. "I'm in love."

* * *

The next thing on the list of volunteers was a decorations expert named Elusive.

Opening the door is like opening a lid off of the pickle jar, it just wasn't happening, no matter how hard you pull.

"C'mon Twilight! Stop faffing about!" Barbra chastised, "I'm going to get a tan while you do this!"

"You! Can't! TAN!" Twilight finally learned to apply pressure in the opposite direction - to push instead of pulling the door off of the hinges. Twilight nearly fell inside of the building, she caught her bearing, fortunately.

"Crickey!" Barbra stood, pushing on Twilight's spine uncomfortably.

The building was decorated outside but oh-boy was it decorated inside. Ribbons made of velvet and satin with gold and silver colors decorating them with images of the sun and the moon. Each strand told a story, which Twilight Sparkle respected.

"Absolutely beautiful…" Murmured Barbra dreamly, Twilight Sparkle appreciated Barbra's taste for the hidden and beautiful meanings behind beautiful art.

"Indeed," Twilight Sparkle would keep looking at the décor, but Twilight Sparkle would rather pluck twigs and leaves out of her mane and tail. "They're brilliant, now let's go."

"I'm not talking about the rubbish ribbons, you dolt!" Barbra snapped. Twilight Sparkle knew better than to get her hopes up about this dragon's tastes for the refined arts. "I'm talking about that dastardly hot stallion, prince of models [i]over there[/i]

Twilight Sparkle turned her attention to back of the shop. Inside was a snow-white stallion unicorn, with locks of purple hair so finely brushed – Twilight thought she was looking inside of a Designer Magazine. He was choosing between a beautiful ribbon and a beautiful ribbon. He chose both beautiful ribbons, unsurprisingly.

"Ten bits says he's a colt-cuddler," Twilight Sparkle teased at the expense of Barba.

"Not funny," Barbra retorted.

The Stallion was standing up, he was smaller than the three ponies Twilight has seen previously in regards to muscle, but his muscles were still finely tuned. He's taller than Twilight Sparkle, like the rest of the males she's seen so far.

Barbra was so blunt, it hurt and then it turned all of the sharpened of needles in the entire building dull in an instant. "You have GOT to be my wingpony!" She pleaded. "I will do anything you ask, never criticize your cooking again, never ever tell ponies you have a collection of lucky socks, I'll even buy your ludicrous thing with the 'Night-Terror Night' thing for the rest of today! Please!"

"Okay, let's alliterate a few things," Twilight snorted, "You do that anyways, you know that's a lie, you threaten that every chance you get, and you're actually doubting me while you use believing me as an offer."

Barbra wasn't listening, she was too busy floating besides Twilight with hearts replacing her irises. Twilight Sparkle scoffed as she raised an eyebrow at the baby dragon.

"You don't have a snowmare's chance in the ninth circle of the Inferno with him," Twilight scoffed, looking through her cold hard reality eyes instead of Barbra's heart eyes. "And he's completely out of your league, out of your ballpark, out of your sport, out of your nation, to be right. He's older than you."

"Age is just a number,"

"Careful, that's the kind of talk that gets ponies arrested," Twilight Sparkle mused, as she turned to go out the door. "Good thing you're young, you got a lot to learn about."

"Good thing I'm not the one who sleeps with a doll," Barbra warned, hearts still for eyes, "Be my wingpony or I'll nark to every-pony about that stupid doll!"

Twilight Sparkle had her hoof on the door handle as she heard Barbra's warnings. She clenched her eyes shut as she slammed a hoof on the wall next to the door, she thought of every single comeback to her warning but she couldn't think of none.

"Alright, you win," Twilight Sparkle relinquished, "Stay here, I'll go put in the good word for my good dragon, the manipulator." She took a few steps away from the door and then approached Barbra's eye-candy. Then she realized something.

How in the name of the Inferno do you talk to stallions romantically, especially for other girls? Twilight's no lover, she's a studier! A learner! A student! There's never been a course on how to introduce anyone for anyone, because if there was – she would have attended it! (Not because she is single, but because it's an opportunity to learn something new!)

Twilight Sparkle rolled a D-16 for charisma, her base stat for the attribute is a pitiful two. The D-16 rolled a one, literally anything would've been better. Critical Failure.

"Hey good cookin', what's lookin'?" Twilight Sparkle fumbled with false enthusiasm. "I'm Twilight Sparkle, let me put in the good word for my girl Ba—"

"By the name of Solaris' beard, my fair mare, your MANE!" The white unicorn shrilly screeched. Twilight Sparkle subconsciously touched the top of her head, realizing that the tumble with Rainbow Blitz probably screwed up her mane badly.

"Erm, I was going to fix it when I got home…" Twilight chuckled awkwardly, looking at Barbra for help – but alas, the dragon was imagining a life with the stallion.

"Sweet mother of Solaris, you've been seen in public with that? The courage! Who was the Beast who has attacked Beauty and committed such a murder so foul on the name of fashion!?"

"Erm, Rainbow Blitz?" Twilight Sparkle narked without intention. After letting that one go, she started to stumble on her words as she tried to pardon Blitz from whatever fate this designer might have in store for him. "I-it was an accident!"

"Very well," declared the diamond-flanked colt menacingly. "A word with Blitz is necessary, I suppose?" Twilight Sparkle barely swallowed the lump before she spoke up again to Barba.

"Mate," She whispered, "How certain do you think you have the hots for this guy? He's mad!"

"Not listening," said Barbra as she sighed dreamily at the hints of Canterlish the stallion had in his voice.

"I must correct this mane this instant, my fair mare!" The unicorn stands up as he levitates a combo of combs, hair sprays, shampoos, scissors, and blow dryers.

"A-actually, love," Twilight Sparkle chuckled nervously. "We were just leaving."

"Speak for yourself," Barbra snapped out of her trance, floating over to Twilight. "Mate! You have to take one for the team! That's what being a good wingpony is!"

("Barb!" Twilight whined, "He's a nutcase! I don't want him near me with those cutters!"

"THE DOLL, TWILIGHT!" Barbra hissed.

Twilight Sparkle clenched her eyes again, inhaling, before stamping her hoof on the ground as she exhales slowly.)

"I insist, my fair mare," he said. "I will not take no for an answer. Understood?"

"Y-yes sir," Twilight squeaked.

* * *

Twilight Sparkle later learned that the wacko stallion's name was indeed Elusive, the volunteer decorations expert for the festival. He is also the owner of the store they were in right now, the Carousel Boutique. Fancy name for such a fancy pony.

Also, Elusive has prior history with Blitz. Friendship would be the word to describe the two, although that would be far from the truth. They balanced each other out, a moirail as one webcomic Twilight read would describe it. That insured his safety… probably.

"Ah, and what is your name, my fair mare?" Elusive inquired. "I am just dying to know."

"Twilight Sparkle," Twilight answered nonchalantly, although she was nervous about the scissors currently in Elusive's grasp.

"Twilight Sparkle?" Repeated Elusive, "The Twilight Sparkle? Personal protégé of Prince Solaris himself?"

"Aye," Twilight nodded, "You know of me?"

"Madame, please," Elusive chuckled as he passively dismissed. "A filly preforms a feat done only by the most powerful unicorn who has ever lived, Sunspiral the Maned, and becomes what Solaris calls 'the daughter he never had'? I'd be shocked if it didn't make the papers, especially since you are the only non-royal alicorn in existence! You're almost like a princess."

Twilight let this sit for a moment. "Huh, I never really thought of it that way. I just thought I was reading out of a book."

Elusive chuckled but then sighed, "Alas, I am discussing my dreams to a complete stranger."

"Dreams?" Twilight Sparkle wondered out loud. "I hope you're not thinking of 'being' me, it's rather busy."

"No, although who in their right mind wouldn't want to be you?" Elusive chuckled as he tried different on Twilight Sparkle. "It's been a dream of mine, a fallacy if you will, to meet a princess so fair. To fall in love with her, madly she will fall for me, and to be together we shall. As her prince, of course." Twilight Sparkle thought this dream, albeit romantic and sweet, was very unobtainable and shallow. Barbra, however, snatched an opportunity from the jaws of defeat.

"You know," Barba cooed, "I'm almost like Twilight's sister, raised together, that makes me a princess as well!"

Elusive eyed Barbra and raised an eyebrow. "I almost didn't see you! You are?"

"Barba!" said the she-dragon with passion and enthusiasm in her sultry voice. "Y'now, the beautiful dragoness that's been assisting you change Twilight's clothes for almost an hour?"

Elusive was already at Twilight's side, rubbing up against her. Twilight Sparkle looked down at her attire to be shocked at what she is wearing: a cherry-black cocktail dress.

"My fair mare, we're just perfect for each other," He said with sly wink, and a sugary smile. His eyes just lighting with passion as his horn neared hers. An eyelash way from each other's lips, Twilight Sparkle was frozen like a deer in headlights. Except this time, she thought the headlights would actually hit her. "We're going to be the best of… how do you say… mates."

Red flags and alarms course through Twilight Sparkle's brain as she slowly took off the gown with magic. Her eyes widen at the inferred meaning behind his words, even more brash than Rainbow Blitz but with so much more class – it frightened her even more.

 _"Oh,pardonmebutit'stimetogoBarbsletsgobeforewe'relate!"_

* * *

One mindset Twilight had in mind.

RUNNING

LIKE

HELL

AWAY FROM THIS WHACKO OF A STALLION!

Or until she ran out of breath.

"I should… have… paid… attention in P.E!" Twilight panted, her heart beating so fast and lively – her ears were roaring with blood as adrenaline coursed through her veins like icy acid. "Huff...puff... Twilight holds her chest, feeling the beats of the heart. She slowed her sprint to a nervous trot, unable to run any faster.

Besides, she was sure that psychotic stallion wasn't running her down. At least not in broad day light, Twilight Sparkle hoped the best of herself.

"Don't have a heart attack now!" Barbra leaned over Twilight's head, "This will teach you to not work out, eh ya lazy squish?"

"Bite me, you're the one falling hooves over nits for a psycho!" Twilight Sparkle Retorted, still on her nervous trot as far away from the Carousel Boutique as possible.

"So… do you think we hit it off?" Barbra asked hopefully.

"What's what?"

"Me and Elusive!" Barbra squeled. "I think he's so into me, I mean, who would ever pass this up?" She bragged while wiggling her hips. Twilight Sparkle, between the panting, rolled her eyes.

"What do you think?" Twilight Sparkle asked rhetorically, sarcasm biting each syllable of her words. "What's that? You already had the answer already? What was the point of asking? I just needed some-pony to validate my impossible dreams!"

"What's that?"

"You know what, Barbs, I learned something today," Twilight proclaimed.

"Hmm?"

"That love is stupid and it makes anyone stupid and oblivious," Twilight deadpanned cynically. "I have never fell for anypony without judging them first, not that I ever have or will."

"Never?" Unsurprising fake gasp from Barbra later, "What if you can't help it?"

"Barbra, I am a mare of science and logic," Twilight Sparkle scoffed, "Magic falls under science, by the way."

"Jeez, you sound like a scorned mare," Barbra remarked, "You hadn't even had a first date yet."

"Yes I have! In fact, I have one next month!"

"The ones on the calendar don't count, mate," Barbra continued. "The one next month is the Gala; you go there – alone – every year for the past twenty-one years. It's not really special anymore"

Twilight laughed at this. "Barbra, my mind is an impenetrable shield wall. A fortress, if you will."

"I'm actually concerned for you," Barbra admitted.

"Don't be, love makes ponies stupid," Twilight finalized, "I am not stupid."

"Okay, you nut," Barbra peeked inside of the checklist. "Music, sounds drab."

"Aw, chin up lad," Twilight Sparkle grinned, "Whose running it?"

"Butterscotch?"

"No thanks, still full from Applejack's food,"

"You cheeky…" Barbra groaned. "That's his actual name, Butterscotch."

"Sounds… timid." She said as she kept an ear out for any type of music. She was quick to discover a chorus of birds harmonizing with uncannily ability. They were practicing the first few measures of 19th Symphony by Beethoven. How peculiar. The move in the direction of the birds. Barbra hummed along, off key, to the dismay of Twilight Sparkle.

Soon, they found Butterscotch standing in front of a low hanging branch with a number of birds perched on top of it. They all seemed to be warming up using a complex piece of music until Butterscotch singled out a blue jay and addressed it personally.

"Um… Mr. Bird, if it's of any bother to you, could you sing at a lower octave than you currently are? You're… uh… very talented and great! But I think you're not suited for contralto, but you're more of a countertenor… sorry if that's insulting, I promise it's not supposed to be." The bird nodded, which baffled Twilight to kingdom come and back—the bloody bird just understood Butterscotch. "Great! Now, if you please, from the top."

"Pardon me, sir,"

Yikes! That short phrase meant to get Butterscotch's attention actually caused the stallion to leap high into the air, clutching the highest branch on the tree. The birds flew away at the sound of Twilight's voice, was it that awful?

"Oh! I'm sorry!" Twilight Sparkle carefully held out her hooves in a non-threatening manner. This stallion, albeit the most passive, has overreacted the most out of the entire stallions Twilight Sparkle has seen all darn day! "I didn't mean to frighten you, I swear!"

Butterscotch clambered onto the branch tighter as Twilight raised her hooves. The entire tree shook.

"Bloody inferno, scratch this off the list Bar—"

 **"IS THAT A BABY DRAGON?!"**

"Gah!" For the second time, in her life, and today, Twilight Sparkle has been landed on by a pegasus stallion. At least Butterscotch was lighter than Rainbow Blitz, and didn't come down as fast as Blitz, but he still packed a wallop of a punch.

"Oh, sorry!" said Butterscotch at a normal volume, which was barely above a whisper. "Butterscotch, you're so rude!" he scolded himself before racing over to Barbra, who was uninterestedly picking her teeth with her claws. "Whoa! I've never ever seen a real life baby dragon before! What's your name? Can I hold you? Tell me everything you know about dragons!"

"Solaris blind me," Barbra blinked, overwhelmed with all the questions. "What are you, writing a book?"

"Oh yes!" Nodded Butterscotch, "I need every detail you can spare!"

"Well…" Barbra muttered uneasily, "M-my name's Barbra and I don't really know squat about dragons. Really, I've never met one."

"Oh goodness! You poor thing!" Cooed Butterscotch. Barbra was then wrapped in a death grip by the pegasus. Barbra gave a large gasp after Butterscotch let her go. "You've never been with your kind? That's alright, Barby-Warmy, you can tell Daddy all about it."

Twilight and Barba exchanged looks and then they realized two things: This was exactly the same situation with Elusive, but only with a role reversal. The second thing is they understood exactly what was going to happen here—Barba was going to embarrass the absolute mess out of Twilight and there was nothing Twilight Velvet Sparkle was going to do about it.

"Right," Barbra cleared her throat as she hopped on Twilight's back ("OUCH! BARB! MIND THE FEATHERS!") and got comfortable. Twilight, after moving her wings away from Barbra's body, prepared for the longest walk to the address of her new home ever. "It all started with The Muffin Colt…"

Twilight swore underneath her breath.

* * *

By the father of Solaris, Barbra left no detail untouched, no stone unturned, and unfortunately for Twilight – no secret unkempt. She even told him about the doll! The Betrayal! That contract was signed in blood! In blood! At last, the trio reached the library.

"—And that's my life story, up until today, do you want to hear what happened today?"

"Actually, we're here," Butted in Twilight. "And it's also time for your nap, Barbs," She stated through narrowed eyes.

"But I'm not tired!" Barbra protested.

"Good god, Butterscotch!" Barbra pointed in the opposite direction, "What in the name of the lord's beard is that a cardinal-jay?!"

"What?!" Butterscotch turned and looked upwards. "I don't see anything; it must've flew off…"

"Unfortunately," Twilight murmurs.

"Oh my! Is he alright?!" Butterscotch turned around to see a dazed dragoness on the ground. Twilight scoffed as she picked her back up using levitation.

"Peachy, but I think she needs her nap," Twilight cooed, "She can't keep upright!"

"Sleep is very important for a growing boy," Butterscotch agreed, "Okay, Miss Twilight, I'll be gone, but you've got to promise to feed Barby-Warby his leafy greens so he'll grow up big and strong!"

"Bye, Butterscotch, and I will!" Barbra is a carnivore, but the best thing about dragons is – they will eat crystals, gems, minerals, and even rocks sometimes! Twilight Sparkle feeds Barbra gems, not greens. "Bye!" she alliterated her goodbyes as Butterscotch flew away. The realization dawned on Barbra. "Did she call me a boy? The nerve!"

Twilight Sparkle chuckled but stopped chuckling as soon as she saw the boxes and all of her stuff just carelessly thrown to the side of the door. Twilight Sparkle gave a 'humph', as she teleported the boxes and other knickknacks inside.

Twilight Sparkle took the key to her house and placed it into the lock, only to find it unlocked already. It wasn't even her first night in this crazy town and she has already been robbed – what a big surprise.

Twilight Sparkle growled as she entered the house, with a now groggy Barbra on her back. As they enter the darkness of the tree.

[hr]

At last, Twilight Sparkle can rest and put this whole crummy day behind her. In fact, Twilight Sparkle doesn't even care about the Knight-Terror Night, she's more interested in how her new bed feels or how well the stove brews tea. Or even coffee! Finally, some peace and—

"SURPRISE!"

Quiet.

Twilight Sparkle groaned. Of course there will be no rest for the mare, what has she done to deserve such a luxurious reward for her services? Why wouldn't there be some kind of sick, sick joke running this town who just throws parties for the mentally exhausted? Of course there's a surprise party, what are the bloody odds?

"Heya!" greeted a highpitch voice that Twilight Sparkle abhorrently loathed with extreme animosity. "I'm Bubble Berry, and I threw you this party!" Joy, it's the pink Tasmanian Devil from earlier today!

Immediately Loathed.

The repugnant pony rambled on as Twilight Sparkle did her best to avoid everyone's eyes and nab herself a well, a very well, deserved drink. Hopefully, her intolerance to alcohol can help numb this headache Twilight is already feeling.

"SO I was walking down the street and guess what? You were there! I haven't seen you before so I guessed I was either in a rerun or in a fanfic! Well I can't exist in a Rerun, because I'm a male, so that answered my question! Anyways, then you showed up as a absolute BEAUTY! And if you're a BEAUTY, that must mean I was in a shipfic! And I found YOU absolutely lovely, that must mean I was at least one of the male leads, and since I am the first of these male leads – I must be the one to one to marry you in the end because you know how the saying goes, right? OH, and Twily?"

"What?" Twilight asked venomously.

"You're chugging on hot sauce, buddy!"

"…it has a distinct flavor."

"IT'S PARTY TIME!"

"Okay, that's it, I'm going to bed."

* * *

And indeed it was.

For hours.

And hours.

And hours.

And hours.

And hours.

And then for a couple of seconds break…

And then for an hour more.

Twilight was glad to finally be out of peeving eyes, especially glad to get the taste of hot sauce out of her maw, but ESPECIALLY grateful for the disappearance of the pink nightmare. Twilight covered her ears with a pillow, trying desperately to mute the unwanted party out of her ears.

Barba then ingresses inside of Twilight's room, allowing the noise of the party to become tenfold. She was wearing a lampshade. "Mate! You've got to check it! These ponies party like madman! They installed the diving board and everything in the punchbowl!"

"Barbra, get out," Twilight growled, which led to Barba shrugging and leaving the room. Twilight mentally thanked her for closing the door at the very least. Twilight Sparkle rolled over, hoping to try and get some sleep before the Summer Sun Celebration happened until that hope is killed off by Bubble Berry storming into Twilight Sparkle's room wearing a lampshade.

Twilight's favorite lampshade.

"Go away," Twilight Sparkle spoke from under the sheets.

"But Twilight! If we're going to straight-copy the Unexpected Love Life of Dusk Shine, we might as well do it correctly!" Complained Bubble Berry, "How am we going to be the OTP of this story if I don't get any character development?!"

"What in the name of… what are you on about?" Twilight shook her head, "No, don't answer that. Go away."

"Ugh… If I speak to you in a way that doesn't hurt your fourth-wall restricted brain, will you at least look at me?" Bubble Berry pleaded, "Please?"

Twilight Sparkle appeared from underneath the cover. "You have two minutes, go."

"You've been thinking all day how to defeat the Dark Lord, left?" Bubble Berry asked, leaning on his hoof as he jumped on the bed next to Twilight.

"How do you know about Knight-Terror Nebula's return?" Twilight inquired with a suspicious tone, an eyebrow being raised.

"It's a mediocre bedtime story wrote by the same nutjob who wrote Dandles' Inferno, silly!" Bubble Berry chortled. "Everypony knows about Old Edgy Booty! Now, answer my question, am I left?"

"Sure."

"Now, how the fourth circle of the inferno are you going to do from the bottom of that pillow?"

"Eh?"

"I'm saying that you wasted your time cooped up in here like an edgelord," Bubble explained, his tail wagging as he loses patience. "You could've found a way to stop the eternal abyss, or even made friends, you total weirdo."

"Bob's your uncle," Twilight muttered before realizing what Bubble actually meant. "And you're absolutely right! Blimey, time is punching us left and right! Time to hit the books!"

"Twilight," Bubble chuckled nervously. "The 'time punching us left and right' has already knocked us out."

"Meaning?"

"You already blew it, it's time for the ceremony!" Bubble Berry pulled Twilight Sparkle out of bed and begun to drag her out the bedroom door. "We're like – what –" Bubble Berry checked the time on a drawn-on watch. "Ten minutes late!"

Twilight Sparkle felt her heart sink to her stomach and back up for vengeance. "We're doomed," she drooped. "All is lost."

"Not all is lost! You still have me!" Bubble Berry picked Twilight Sparkle up and gave her a smooch on the cheek. "See?"

"All that – matters – is lost."

* * *

In all of the worries Twilight had to face while trudging shoulder to shoulder with Bubble Berry, she had to admit that sometimes Bubble told some pretty knee-slap worthy jokes. Maybe it was the illusion that the end of the world as Twilight Sparkle knew it was upon her and it made her a little easy going, she hoped that her fear was not coming true.

The gathering of partied-out ponies gathered an assembly at Town Hall. Some of them making small talk while the rest were probably sleeping with their eyes open. Twilight Sparkle was praying, she didn't know to whom she was praying to, but she was hoping they received her message about not plunging the entire town down. Twilight Sparkle looked among the royal guards, all of them staring into who knows what. Gleaming was not among them. Twilight Sparkle would have to face danger alone.

"Ten bits says me and Elusive and I do The Horizontal Mambo, hmm?"

Disturbing image Barbra placed in her head.

Correction: Alone with Barbra.

"Aren'tyouexcited?Iknowyou'reexcitedbecauseImewcitedI'veneverbeensoexictedwellexecptthatonetimeyouwalkedintotownandIwaslike (GASP) butreallythat'salreadyamemeandI'msurethiswascopiedoutofsomewhereandiknowit'sbecauseoflazywriting!"

Correction: Alone with Spike and Bubble Berry.

Twilight noticed an old colt, not as old as her grandparents but old enough to sport grey hair. The stallion cleared his throat. "Fillies and Gentle-colts, welcome to the two-thousandth and one celebration of the summer sun, I am your representative as you know – Senator Stallion… sorry for my monotone – it's very early for an old colt like me,"

A few ponies chuckled, while others give a blank stare as they try to rub the sleep out of their eyes. Twilight brooded while Rainbow Blitz waited in anticipation disguised as boredom, Applejack chewing on a strand of onion-weed – seemingly asleep underneath his Stetson (Apple Buck is also asleep on top of his back), Elusive watched Twilight diligently (a white cat is on top of his head), Bubble Berry chatted Twilight's ears off (while his alligator actually threatened to snap her ears off), Butterscotch practicing his conducting while the birds do a quick harmonizing. A bunny is on his back, sleeping.

"Well, without further ado," Senator Stallion brushed off the mostly ignored joke, "We wait for Prince Solaris to raise the sun!"

The curtains opened and immediately Twilight Sparkle stumbled backwards, only to be caught by Elusive. Barbra gasped as she rolled Twilight's off of her back and onto the grass below. Those who were sleeping were asleep no longer.

The royal guard's wings expanded outwards in reaction, fight or flight coursed through their brains. They each grip their weapons strongly and placed space between the adversary and the ponies. The adversary scoffed at their pathetic and vain attempts at being so valiant to protect these heretics.

"What?" smirked the helmeted Knight-Terror Nebula. "Hath nopony ever seen a black alicorn before?"

"What have you done with the Prince!?" Rainbow Blitz yelled, his wings expanding outwards. "And why are you talking funny?"

Knight-Terror Nebula was not impressed with the second question. "Your beloved Prince?" He asked as caught a guard, who was advancing on him, with his magical smoke – a vice grip popped the guard's head like a grape. The guard was tossed away without a second thought. The rest of the royal guards were impaled by the signature magic fog, then dragged to what Twilight Sparkle assumed was the inferno. "Thy prince surrendered with no consideration of thine livelihood."

"Yer lying!" Applejack protested. "Th' Prince is a strong pony! He would never throw in th' towel ta a varmint like you!"

"HAHAHA! WE SPEAKTH NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH, PEASENTS!" Bellowed Nebula in the Royal Canterlot Voice. Immediately noticing that every pony is blown onto their haunches, or in a fetal position, he decided to reconstruct his professional attitude. "The considerations of our banishment was a tough one to bear, so we didn't trust him! Behold, your precious Prince!" He held up a gold necklace, adorned with a crystal of an abstract picture of a sadden Solaris. "Solaris hath claimed to keep us next to his heart, always!" He placed on the necklace, a malicious grin adorning his face. "WE SHALL KEEPTH HIM CLOSE TO OURS!"

Twilight Sparkle grit her teeth at the revelation. Prince Solaris surrendering, without so much of a fight? How could he! Why would he! Why would he give Equestria to a nightmare like Nebula! Is he absolutely mad?! Didn't the Prince love his subjects? Didn't he love her?

"AND YOU, TWILIGHT SPARKLE!" The mist surrounded Twilight's neck as she was hoised in the air by his magical noose. "THOU EXISTENCE HATH CAUSED US MUCH ILL WILL, WE WILL PUNSIH THOU AND THINE FRIENDS" The rest of the stallions were hoisted up, all of them eye level with Nebula. "THOU HATH NOTHING TAKETH AWAY, LIKE OUR LIVES AND GRIEVANCES. TO RETURN TO THE WORLD A CHANGED PONY. THINE PONIES WILL BE THE FIRST TO BE PUNISHED FOR YOUR BELOVED PRINCE'S SINS." Hoisted up was Apple Bloom, the alligator, the bunny, the cat, and Barba. "THY PUNISHMENT IS TO LEARN A VALUABLE LESSON: YOUR NEW GOD GIVETH AS HE WILL TAKETH AWAY!"

"Barbra! No!" Gagged Twilight Sparkle as she kicked and clawed at the magical smoke, her own magic becoming nullified. "Barbra! Barbra! Don't fret!"

"Twilight!" Barbra struggled vainly to reach Twilight Sparkle. Twilight Sparkle extended her hoof to try and touch her assistant's claws. "I'm scared, Twilight, I'm very bloody scared! Don't let him take me away!"

"Barbra!" Twilight just… couldn't… reach… her… "I love you!"

"Nummy!" Bubble Berry cried as he desperately tried to reach for the alligator. "Nummy!"

Nummy blinked, but that blink was a distressed call for help.

"Not my precious! Anything but Diamond!" Elusive shrilly screeched as he fought desperately to save his cat. "Daddy will be there soon! Don't you worry baby!"

The cat did not look distressed.

"Apple Buck! Not Apple Buck!" Applejack fought the hardest against the magic. "You can take me! Take me, you rat sniffling varmint! Not my bro! Anything but mah baby brother!"

"Applejack!" Apple Buck struggled to take a breath, "Ah can't breathe."

"Lilith!" Butterscotch fought feebly, tears sprang in his eyes. "No…"

Lilith was fighting tooth and nail to escape the grasp.

"AND NOW YOU WILL LEARN," Nebula roared, "TA-TA, ENJOY THE NIGHT! BECAUSE FOR THE REST OF YOU, YOUR PUNISHMENT IS AN ENTIRNITY NIGHT-TERROR!"

"Ha!" Bubble Berry laughed.

"WE'RE SORRY," Nebula brought Bubble Berry close to his helmeted face. "DID WE SAY SOMETHING YOU FOUND FUNNY?"

"Yeah, because you said a pun on your name!" Bubble explained but was rewarded by being squished. Bubble Berry made the sound of a squeak toy.

"HUH, INTERESTING." Nebula said as he started to pull the captives into the mist, Twilight and the stallions not included. "WE MUST BE GOING NOW, ENJOY LIVING IN AGONY, HERETICS!"

Nebula evaporated along with her smoke and captives and flew into the Everfree Forest.

Applejack roared as he bolted after Nebula. "NO YOU VARMINT! YOU GIVE ME BACK MAH BROTHER THIS INSTANT!"

Twilight Sparkle hit the ground hard, her head bounced twice. Her brain screamed in protest as she fought to regain conscious, ever blink was a real threat to blacking out. She lifted her head. Twilight Sparkle coughed out blood from biting her cheek on the way down and looked around her. It felt, numb, the whole situation did.

Twilight has never been separated from Barbra and she felt… flat. Almost without confidence, sort of like a chemical reaction without the energy. Numb. There's no true way to describe what she felt, it was a frosty feeling below her skin. Adrenaline still made her cheeks feel warm, but it also kept her from passing out. Blood seeped down the side of Twilight's head, it was nothing to be worried about.

The rest of them didn't land so hard, most of them groaning because of the initial fall. Nebula had actually [i]threw[/i] Twilight to the earth.

Rainbow Blitz, the only one not having anything really cherished in Ponyville present and therefore – lucky – grabbed AJ before he can leave Town Hall. "AJ, stop! You'll get yourself killed rushing into Everfree!"

"AH DON'T CARE, GOSH DARNIT," Applejack struggled frantically in Blitz's grasp. "THAT DASTARD HAS MAH KIN, MY APPLE BUCK, AND AH WILL DIE BEFORE AH ALLOW ANYTHIN' TO HAPPEN TO HIM!"

"Think about it, AJ!" Blitz tightened his grip on Applejack, "If we come up with a plan, we have a better chance of flank-kicking this dastard, but even I don't think running into danger will solve ANYTHING!"

"As much as I hate to admit it…" Elusive swallowed his own pride as he nodded along with Blitz. "Rainbow's right, we can't charge into the Everfree without expecting to be murdered."

"Apple Buck…" Applejack threw his Stetson down onto the ground furiously before breathing out his anger. "Ah told Apple Buck ta come tonight, said it was gud fer his culture… it's mah fault."

"I brought Nummy along, it's my fault too," Bubble Berry muttered, his hair starting to deflate a little bit.

"My precious Diamond… gone…" Elusive dramatically puts his hooves in his face.

Butterscotch was still trying to get over the initial shock of the event.

Twilight Sparkle, knowing that nothing was going to get accomplished by laying down, struggled to her feet and limped her way to the library. Rainbow Blitz turned his head to the limping Twilight Sparkle making a beeline to the library and he pursued her. It's grounds for breaking the window!

"Alright, hot stuff, start talking!" Interrogated Rainbow Blitz as Twilight Sparkle conjured up a Spell of Rejuvenation. The spell healed her wounds completely. "I may not be as smart as the rest of you cone-heads, but I can smell something's fishy when it's out of the water! First question: Are you a spy?"

"Aye," A dry, sarcastic retort later, Twilight Sparkle as she dug through the library as she searched desperately for the book she needed. "The name's Sparkle, Twilight Sparkle."

"A-HA!" Rainbow Blitz laughed until he realized the quote. "Clever use of word play to distract me from the answer!"

"No, you lunatic," Twilight Sparkle turned her head to deadpan at Blitz, "Why in bloody inferno's bells would I ever sell Solaris out like this – besides – how in any circle of torturous hell would I be able to make contact with him? He lived on the moon."

"LIKELY STORY! Every spy movie that I've ever seen had this spy with a 'Lady Killer' vibe going on and let me tell you, bub, you're radiating some serious levels of sexiness!"

"…Is that a compliment or a further accusation of my integrity?"

"Don't flip this around on me!" Blushed Rainbow Blitz as he bit his tongue to scold himself of such outbursts.

"Gosh darnit, Rainbow, she ain't no spy," Applejack defended while he and the rest of the stallions Twilight met today walked through the door like regular ponies. "Ah reckon she knows what's goin' on, don'tcha Sparkle?"

"Aye," Solemnly sighed Twilight, "I need a book called Predictions and Prophecies."

"Have you tried looking in P?" Asked Bubble. "Sometimes it's as easy as ABC123!"

"Ah, how could I forget!" Twilight hooved through section P until she found the book.

Twilight flipped through the book until she found what she wanted. Bingo, she thought to herself.

"Right, it says here that the Elements of Harmony are as follows: Laughter, Kindness, Honesty, Generosity, and Loyalty. There's a blop right in the middle of them," Twilight pointed at a graphic of all the elements, "But it's now written down, my assumption is that it must either be a hidden element or something stained my book. Anyways, it says here that Solaris punished Nebula for creating original sin – that Nebula was the first pony to be slain and then soul banished to the moon. His Majesty hid the elements in the… CASTLE OF THE ROYAL PONY SISTERS?!"

"What's so bad about the castle, if you don't mind me asking…" Butterscotch feebly asked.

"Only that it's located in…

* * *

...the Everfree Forest!" All six ponies exclaimed simultaneously. They all stood at the mouth of the beast, hell in the shape of the forest. The forest that Barbra was being held was all that Twilight needed to stretch her wings, pop her neck, and make her declare.

"I'm going in alone."

"What?!" said the five stallions.

"Aye, I appreciate it that you accompanied me thus far – but this… it's my fault. All my fault. My presence in Ponyville made Nebula punish all of you when in reality, he should have punished me," Twilight Sparkle pursed her lips. "It's my burden to bear, my fight. I don't want anyone else becoming hurt because of me."

"Twi'," Applejack rebutted, "That's sweet of you, but there's no chance that this 'elements of harmony' will even work because of the sixth element. Not only that, but this is not just your fight. Apple Buck is mah brother, mah kin. Ah can't, in good conscious, live with knowin' Ah did nothing ta help. This is mah fight too."

"And mine," Butterscotch agreed.

"And mine," Elusive agreed.

"And mintsy-doodtsy!" Chortled Bubble Berry.

"Of course I'm not going to let this slide; I was born in Equestria and I will die for it," Rainbow Blitz cracked his neck audibly. "This is my fight too, like it or not hotcakes."

Twilight Sparkle bit her lips, "There's no way I can convince you?"

"No." Everypony said.

"Fine," Twilight Sparkle mentally gave a sigh of relief. Her initial plan was a suicide mission. "I needed some back-up anyways."


End file.
